Ready to Go!

I got the call from the NY clinic and we are ready to go. We will be doing the FET later this month. My prescription has been called in and is ready for pickup.

I start the meds tonight and on Tuesday I go back to the local doctor for another ultrasound and more bloodwork. If that all looks okay then the transfer will be scheduled.

I am excited yet sad. For me this marks the beginning of really moving on. I know I'm not leaving Andrew and Kai yet it feels like it. I know they are gone. The thought of being pregnant again is thrilling and scary.

I realized in therapy today that I wished people would bring Andrew and Kai up a little more. Not harp on it or talk about them everytime but just every now and then say you were thinking about them. Sometimes it seems like they are only real to Andrew, myself and a few other family members who talk freely with me about them. I know people don't know what to say and that is fine. Even saying you don't know what to say but that you were thinking about them is a wonderful thing to say. I realize its just as hard for people who are around us as it is for us. For us Andrew and Kai are still very real and are a part of our everyday lives.

She's Here!!!

My period finally came. I have my baseline appointment tomorrow at 11:00. When I called the clinic in NY to let them know to get me in the schedule my regular monitoring nurse was on vacation. I miss Greta. Evertime I called she knew who I was and what I was doing. It felt nice to be remembered. I will get a call from the NY clinic on Friday to let me know if everything is on go. If it is, the tranfer will likely be August 16th or 17th. I am getting excited!

Isn't it cool, today, the day I start my period, day 1 of the FET cycle is my and Andrew's wedding anniversary. The embryo transfer may be on my mom and dads wedding anniversary. I like how its lining up.

Will the witch arrive?

I have been waiting and waiting for my period to get here. The start of my period is the start of the FET cycle. The wicked witch is a few days late. No, I'm not pregnant. I tested a few days ago, blaring negative. My temp dropped this morning which usually leads to my period that day or the next. Looks like the embryo tranfer will be August 16 or 17. I might try to make it the 17th if they will let me because that is mom and dads wedding anniversary.

I love planning trips so it looks like I will get to spend some time planning over the next few days. I really wanted to stay a night on the beach but it is really expensive. I might use the money for something else. I did find a reasonable place to stay on the Navasink River in Red Bank. It looks really nice, might stay there for my birthday.

I sure hope our little frozen miracles leads to a take home baby.

Sometimes I feel like I am leaving Andrew and Kai behind. I have to remind myself that I am not forgetting them. They will always be with me not matter what direction my life takes. I know they would want me to carry on and have healthy babies to bring home. I sure miss them....

BFN

Big Fat Negative on the pregnancy test this morning. Looks like we will be going to New York. At least I have that to look forward to. I'm a tiny bit disappointed. I guess I was hoping for some sort of miracle. There is an old wives tale that you are more fertile in the months following a miscarriage. I guess I don't get that positive outcome from the loss. Oh well, enough feeling sorry for myself -- onward and upward.

Back to blogging

I have decided to go back to blogging. I enjoyed it while we were on our IVF journey.

We are getting close to a new journey....FET (frozen embryo transfer). We have decided to transfer some of our frozen embryos with my next cycle which should be this weekend if by some rare freak of nature miracle I'm not pregnant right now (yeah! like that would happen after 2 1/2 years of infertility). I will have an appointment with a local doctor on day 3 of my period. If everything is okay I will start meds. I return to the local doctor 7 days later and if the lining of my uterus is good the FET will be scheduled in New York.

Its exciting to think about being pregnant again. I miss Andrew and Kai with all my heart and I would give anything to have them back but that can't happen. I am excited to meet their brothers and sisters. Are we moving too fast -- maybe. Do we really have a choice -- no. I will be 41 in a few weeks. Time is ticking away. Our backs are up against a wall. If we use all 8 of our frozen embryos within a few months and we are unsuccessful we will still have time for the remaining IVF we paid for. This all has to be done by the end of this year.

When I have days like I did yesterday I think even more if I'm rushing too fast. Luckily days like yesterday are far and few between anymore. So yesterday we were eating lunch at Red Lobster. Early in our lunch a pregnant lady walks by. No biggie, I'm happy for her. As we are finishing a HUGE pregnant lady walks by. I laugh at how she is waddling and get sad because I should be waddling by now. The waitress comes over and says, "Did you see her! She is pregnant with twins and is due anyday!" The waterworks start. I want to be her. I want my babies back. We sit and I compose myself enough to walk out of the restaurant, giving the pg lady enough time to get to the car so I won't see her again. Next we stop by the pool store. I stay in the car, still upset. I look over and whats in the car next to me -- of course another huge pregnant lady. Andrew comes back to the car and sees my tears and asks whats wrong. I just say look in this car. He sees her and says it Gods telling us that it happens all the time and it will happen for us too. We pull out and whats in front of us -- of course, another pregnant lady. I want nothing more than to be them!